Angie’s Story – A Grieving Process

When I was a little girl, I played with dolls: rag dolls, life-size dolls, baby dolls and Barbie dolls. I loved them; they all had names, ages and hobbies. We had tea parties, heaps of fun and spent loads of time together… I guess I was just a normal little girl. Like most little girls, I dreamed of growing up being surrounded by lots of family and wonderful friends, having a successful career, a loving husband and one day, a baby of my own.  Well here I am, 28 years old, a qualified nurse, married to the most amazing man I could ever wish to meet, surrounded by some wonderful lifelong friends and a large family of in-laws who mean the world to me.  I am happier than I ever imagined and all of my dreams came true… all apart from one: a baby!

 My husband has Cystic Fibrosis. Most most with CF are infertile because their sperm is unable to reach the desired destination due to a blockage in their tubes. If they want to become fathers, they may be offered a sperm retrieval operation. However, in my husband’s case he does not actually produce any sperm at all which is why he is unable to reproduce. Pair that with my complicated gynaecological issues and we were told that we would never be parents.

 I still remember the day that we were told that we were told the news.  It was almost like the words were floating above our heads in a speech bubble and all of a sudden someone popped it and they became reality, our reality, and one we knew we would have to face. It took a long time to sink in; it just didn’t feel real. We always knew there were issues but I guess we always held out a little hope. Not surprisingly, difficult months followed. Every time I saw a pregnant belly, a beautiful new-born baby or energetic toddlers running around laughing, it hurt; it felt like someone was digging a knife in and giving it an extra twist. The reality is that I will never be pregnant, I will never know how it feels to carry my own child, I will never go through a long labour and look down at my own beautiful baby and I will never see my child grow up ~ this is the heart-breaking truth.

 We also knew deep down that as difficult as things were, negative emotions would not help us deal with it; we knew the outcome could not change and that we had to turn things around.  It is very much a grieving process of understanding, accepting and eventually moving forwards. We did have to allow ourselves time, but little by little, day by day, things got easier and now years later we are more accepting.  I still have bad days and I still get broody but I just have to remind myself that I am human and that allowing myself a few emotional days does not mean that I haven’t dealt with the news.

 Someone once said to me that there is no point in worrying about something you do not have the power to change and it is true. I am a great believer that everything happens for a reason and as much as I still remember the pain of that day, it doesn’t have that sting anymore. We are glad to have reached the point of excitement rather than dread when meeting a new baby – a beautiful gift that should be treasured and adored!

Above all, we are happy and content. We have found that with patience, compassion, understanding and a lot of love, you can overcome anything by sticking together. We are incredibly lucky.

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